Michelle has a new catchphrase, “It’s not me, it’s the baby’. I’ve been hearing it more and more over the last few weeks and it seems as though it’s now the quick response when she wants an excuse for something.
The first few times I heard her say it, it was a genuine statement and one that I had sympathy for, however, as the weeks have gone on, it’s been said with a bit of a smirk and a look that says ‘I’m going to make the most of being pregnant’.
Here are just a few things on an ever growing list of things that my wife is blaming on our unborn child…
Raiding the Treat Cupboard
I’ve heard a lot of stories about pregnant women craving strange foods. I was once told about a woman who sent her husband out in the middle of the night looking for a 24 hour supermarket that sold pickled gerkins. Michelle’s cravings haven’t been quite as strange as that but there is a definite treat of the week pattern emerging. I noticed it starting a few weeks ago when Michelle suddenly started buying Cadbury’s Creme Eggs. It all started with one, as most addictions do, when Michelle picked one up at the checkouts of the supermarket. It escalated pretty quickly from there and the next day there was a three-pack in the cupboard. I knew it was getting out of hand the following day when I opened the cupboard and noticed that the three-pack had gone and had been replaced with a big, square box containing 12. Two days later I opened the cupboard and there were no Creme Eggs to be seen.
“Have you eaten 16 Creme Eggs in 4 days, Michelle?” I asked.
“No. You had one of them” she replied
“OK, but you’ve eaten 15 Creme Eggs in 4 days?”
“It’s not me, it’s the baby” was the reply “I had cravings”
Luckily the Creme Eggs were just a fad that lasted a week. However, since then we have had Haribo Tangtastic week and Jam Tart week.
I know that pregnancy is a roller coaster of hormones and emotions but I wasn’t prepared for just how many tears there have been over the last few weeks.
When morning sickness is taking it’s toll and weeks of vomiting becomes emotionally draining, a few tears are expected but when a very average rom com on Netflix turns Michelle into a blubbering wreck I know that something isn’t right.
Just last week I walked into the bedroom, where Michelle was getting ready for work and putting on her make-up, to find her sat there sobbing.
“I just watched a video on Facebook about a woman giving birth and it made me cry”
“Why did it make you cry?”
“I don’t know” she sobbed, “it’s not me, it’s the baby”
I still don’t know what made her cry on Facebook, I’m sure she was only watching the trailer for the new series of One Born Every Minute…
Sleep, Sleep, Sleep
During our visit to the midwife a few weeks ago Michelle was given a leaflet with some information about taking care of yourself and eating well during pregnancy. One of the paragraphs on the leaflet said something about listening to your body and sleeping when you’re tired. Ever since Michelle read this, she has been sleeping for about 12 hours a day. I’m not exaggerating here.
Michelle’s morning sickness is much, much worse in the evenings so she has been going to bed earlier and earlier to try and sleep through it but still getting up at the normal time the next morning, meaning that she is sleeping for 11 or 12 hours some nights.
Last week, on her days off I was genuinely concerned when Michelle hadn’t stirred by 9am after going to bed at 7:30pm and had to wake her up.
“You’ve been asleep for 14 hours, you can’t be tired” I said
“I’m so tired” she replied “It’s the baby”
With much reluctance she finally got out of bed. In hindsight, I should have told her there were Creme Eggs for breakfast, she would have been up in no time.
Did You Just Fart?
In the couple of years before we got married, I never heard Michelle fart and she had convinced me that she was one of those rare and beautiful creatures that just don’t do that. However, ever since I put a ring on her finger I started hearing the occasional noise coming from her that made me suspicious that I may have been somewhat mislead. Michelle, of course, always denied that these mysterious noises came from her and stuck firmly to her statement that she didn’t do that.
However, since we discovered that Michelle is pregnant those mysterious noises have become more and more frequent until we reached a point where she could no longer deny the obvious. Instead she has shifted the blame to our avocado sized, unborn baby.
Since then she has changed from flat out denial to proud grinning whenever we hear that noise, quickly followed by a familiar sentence.
“It’s not me, it’s the baby”
Apart from the morning sickness and labour, pregnancy doesn’t sound too bad. You can eat whatever you want, sleep as much as you want, have irrational mood swings without anyone batting an eyelid and get away with just about anything else you feel like and have an unquestionable excuse for all of it.